Obama, Guantanamo, and the Doo Doo Conspiracy

We are now living in a very important period of history. The past several months have seen some of the biggest events of our generation. This week, President Obama has hit the ground running, and put into motion the closing of the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. This held a special relevance to me and my classroom. Weeks ago, my students and I discussed Cuba's history. We talked at length about the Cuban prison and many students responded with outrage. Not only does the prison break UN charters, reportedly violate human rights, torture inmates, and holds political prisoners (who are never formally charged for a crime) for years. These kids are only 11 and 12, but I feel many of them had a truer understanding of the issues than many adults. So when I saw that Obama put the wheels in motion to close the camp, I couldn't wait to discuss it with my class.

Fast forward to first period the next day. I wrote an awesome lesson, had some great discussion questions and couldn't wait to get started. Before my first class started, I took the kids on a bathroom break. That's when all hell broke loose. One young man had to go number two. He was very discreet. He got in, did work, and got lost in the crowd of kids again before anyone knew what was about to hit them. The shit smell soon wafted a good 15 feet from the entrance to the bathroom. It was godawful. Kids and teachers were evacuating the area like there was an anthrax scare. I've smelled some nasty shit in my day, but I must admit this was exceptional. But hey, that's part of life right? People shit. You might giggle a bit, but eventually it's back to business. We return to class and the kids act like it's Christmas, New Years, and the 4th of July all rolled into one. The room is buzzing. I start to tell the kids about Guantanamo's closing and what a huge deal it is. I remind them of the outrage they expressed when they learned of the prison camp's tactics. All in vain. Despite being in the midst of a potentially world-changing event, their only concern was "who doodooed?".

One young man, Shaun, was steadfast in his determination to discover the culprit. He was unwavering in his attempt to uncover the poop plot. With genuine concern, he questioned his classmates. "Hey Akeem, did you doodoo?" "No, but I saw Marcus and Justin walkin' out all fast and nervous and stuff". Now Shaun turned good-cop. "Marcus, do you know who doodooed? You can tell me, I just want to know, but I won't tell anyone." I was getting angry. These kids were missing a huge world event because some kid dropped a deuce in the boys' room. But something strange started to happen. I was completely wrapped up in the mystery myself. I wanted,...dammit I HAD to know who had done it. Luckily, Marcus didn't leave us in suspense long. He timidly whispered to Shaun, "It was me, I really had to go". Shaun responded in typical fashion. "AH LAWD!!! MARCUS DOODOOED!!!!". The class erupted in laughter (I myself had to face the wall to hide my hysterics). When the class (and myself) had regained our composure, I pulled both boys in the hallway (which still smelled like shit by the way) and gave the obligatory lecture. Shaun apologized and they shook hands, but still, I think Marcus learned a valuable lesson about trust that day.

Thinking on the event now, I can't help but be proud of the how the kids handled the situation. You have to hand it to him. Marcus is a ninja. Maybe more like Jason Bourne (The Bourne Lavatory?). He slipped in, planted his payload, and slipped out while no one was the wiser. His actions were as efficient as any covert CIA operative could ever hope to be. Shaun impressed as well. His determination, heartlessness, and interrogation skills helped him find his mark. He was willing to use all means necessary to convict and execute his target. The more I thought about it, both of those kids could have a promising career in the CIA. In fact, they both would have been right at home in Guantanamo Bay. Now, they'll never get the chance.



Oh yeah, and my students have a new comeback. When someone rags on them, or tells a "mama" joke, they respond with, "Oh Yeah?....OBAMA!!" I guess as if to say, "I don't care what you say about me or my promiscuous mother, I have a black President mofo!!" And it works! The other kids nod approvingly, like its the best comeback ever. I have to admit, it's better than anything off of "White Men Can't Jump". Incidentally, this statement has found its way into my conversations with adults. It's firmly planted in my vernacular now. I encourage you all to do the same.

OBAMA BITCHES!
Matt